Letters to the Housing Authority
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing Associations throughout the UK:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
I'm not sure that any of the above is true, but it's funny so who cares. Now we are officially on holiday and it's time to PARTY!