Asta La Vista

Tickle Me Elmo

We've been having right laugh here with Tickle Me Elmo which Debbie bought yesterday!



This is the first video we've ever loaded, I think I might try holding the camera the right way up next time lmao!

Paul.

WOMEN V'S MEN

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "
but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Selfraising, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

Debbie

Getting your own back!!

To my dear wife

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you an I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
table............

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation,although with one small difference.

Eighteen goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

Shake it Baby!!

Its the Weekend, so shake your thinggg.....

Not sure this will work...lol... 

HOW RED IS RED?

In response to the comment made by Leza, my hair is more maghonogy red than ginger red...lol... I got full approval from work this morning, which was nice.

As for the hustle and bussel of weekend shopping, we realy envy Genmak, for living somewhere so peaceful and quiet, we are going to the Caingorns for our honeymoon in december and can not wait, if its at all how we think it will be we wont be coming back...lol...

here is a ickle tittle that made my day today....

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................No tits
Average looking....................Ugly
Beautiful................................Pathological
liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist........................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun...................................Annoying
New-Age..............Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs
Open-minded............................Desperate
Outgoing...................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate....................Sloppy drunk
Professional.........................Bitch
Voluptuous...............Very Fat
Large frame.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all
you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with
you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex
with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have
sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have
sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit =
I'm gay
Subject: HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy?
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends, you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan.

Later Aligators....

Debbie

That must be why I've not been able to keep a flag on my car for more than a couple of days, they keep coming off because I'm a brilliant driver....... maybe not ...lol... 

Todays Funny!! 

Todays Funnie....  

todays funnie!! 

Too Much Too Soon!

Well the wine is flowing nicely tonite and I thought Id post this one again, cause it propper tickles me, and Paulie's leg are too wobbley to stop me!!...lol...



Debbie

Flasher

Today I had a right good giggle at......



Debbie

Inner Peace

Im passing this on to you.......It is definatley working for me...I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I have STARTED. Today I have finished 2 bags of crisps, a cherry cake, a small box of chocs and strangled the crap out of someone I did not like. I feel better already.

Debbie

Giggles

Here are some funnies that made me giggle, hope you enjoy



think this is something our Lucy would love to do....



Debbie

Letters to the Housing Authority

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing Associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.


I'm not sure that any of the above is true, but it's funny so who cares. Now we are officially on holiday and it's time to PARTY!

Paul

Beer!!

this might make you all giggle...



Debbie

Scientific study

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket bat jammed up his arse.

Debbie

Here's one that tickled Paul.........

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go and choose a husband from among many Men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The ONLY rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place , never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to he shopping centre to find some husbands...

FIRST FLOOR
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids" The women read the sign and said, "well that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

SECOND FLOOR
The sign read, "these men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm," sad the ladies, "but I wonder what's further up?"

THIRD FLOOR
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow", said the women, "very tempting". But there was another floor, so further up they went.

FOURTH FLOOR
This door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

FIFTH FLOOR
The sign on the door said, "this floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossibile to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs".

Surely it can't be only Wednesday.....roll on Easter..... I need a holiday

Debbie

Here is todays ickle story, hope you enjoy....

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Well what a day its been, busy busy busy, not stopped.....

I bloody hate mondays...lol....

Only another 4 days till weekend and then only 4 days to work next week and we are off over Easter, YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEE.....LOL...

Paul is busy finding telephone numbers for the cake etc for our wedding and Im doing nothing...lol...

Debbie